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"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes, what do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
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A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
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 A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him.
"Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes.
What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says,
"I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint.
The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length.
Next the pixie says, "...And number two?"
The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!" |
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One bong hit, Two bong hit, Three bong hit, Floor
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So two potheads have been charged with possession
and both plead "no contest."
The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time
if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users.
They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them
how many people they've gotten off drugs.
The first guy says, "Twenty-four!"
"Amazing," says Hizzoner, "How'd you do it?"
"Simple," says the head. "I just show them:
'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge.
Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?"
"Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed."
"And how did you manage that?"
"Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people:
'o' - this is your asshole;
'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."
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 A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?"
The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?"
The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed,
patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana."
So the man went home.
He goes once again to the gas station.
And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?"
By this time the other dude was pissed.
He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you,
we don't sell that crap here!
If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again,
I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor.
Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.
The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face.
He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?"
The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here."
The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"
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Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says
"This is a really long fucking staircase!"
The other Hippie says
"I don't mind the stairs,
it's this low fucking handrail that's killing me."
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